Q: What do you get when you combine retarded penguin things with high pitched voices and a skill-based multi-tiered race system?

A: A very confused gamer.

Seriously, PenPen TriIcelon is one goddamn weird game. On one hand, I can't stand the annoying, ugly, fake cutesy characters, but on the other hand, the actual game mechanics are simple and fun. A TriIcelon, for the uninitiated, is a series of three arctic themed events; swimming, running, and belly sliding down an ice hill. You can choose from 8 PenPens (some are PenSharks and PenWalrus) and from 4 courses with 3 difficulties each. Once you chose your retarded animal and your track, you race off against four other PenAnimals. There are no powerups to get, there are no bullet bills to shoot you to the front of the race, there are no invincibility stars that allow you to rape your opponents in the face. The only thing remotely beneficial are speed-up zones littered on the tracks that everybody can use. This game is literally a game about pure skill. It's almost as pure skill based as Urban Champion.

The game also gives you unlockable costumes for your ugly pet things to wear. Anything from a top hat to a tiki hat. They don't add anything to the game, of course, they're just cosmetic. And speaking of cosmetic, it seems like it doesn't matter which character you choose, because they play exactly the same.

I get the feeling that getting four people together to play this game could potentially be the best idea ever. The combination of the complete retardation of the characters mixed with the non-cheap gameply could be the stuff of legends. Coming back from third place to first in the last leg of the race will be a story that will one day be passed onto your grandchildren, and then to your grandchildren's grandchildren.

Now if I could only get three other people who like me together in the same room with three extra controllers, we might have a race.